Laughter fills the bedroom as my wife and I laid in bed. Just the thought of and talk of starting a family put smiles on our face. We wanted to make sure that we were ready to take on the responsibilities of becoming parents. We decided that we were ready. So we started on this journey of creating our family. For the first couple months it wasn't bad. After month two we were excited cause her period hadn't come and we thought this was it. But her "friend" came a couple days later. Month after that she was really late..."oh boy, this is it." The pound of my heart as we bought the pregnancy test....FAIL. Man is it that hard to do this? Seems like people are getting knocked up all the time!?
A few months into this we find out that my wife had a large cyst on her ovary. The Doctor suggest surgery to help remove the cyst. That's what we did. Obviously that didn't automatically turn us into parents(or I probably wouldn't be writing this right now). I'll tell you what though...my wife is the strongest woman I have ever met(more to come on that another day). My wife's biggest fear of the surgery was?????????????? Yep you probably didn't guess it...it had nothing to do with life or death, nothing to do with it not working, nothing to do with going under, it had to do with defecating during surgery. Even now I laugh about it. She came out of surgery(successful in removing the cyst) and was so drugged up I couldn't help but mess with her. "Babe, you pooped all over the table." She replied like an actress from Half Baked "what are you serious?" "Yeah I told her"..."Well, all I remember is talking about my home town and then I don't remember." "Just kidding" I said.........1 minute later. "Babe, you pooped all over the table." She replied like an actress from Half Baked "what are you serious?" "Yeah I told her"..."Well, all I remember is talking about my home town and then I don't remember." "Just kidding" I said.........1 minute later . I could copy and paste this one or two more times.
It didn't seem like excitement anymore when we were able to try again after surgery. It seemed like stressful work. And anytime "that time of the month" didn't show up...there was no happy nervousness...only preparation for disappointment.
Dear Sweet Child of Mine,
I was watching an episode of "Friends" today(which is one if not the greatest show ever on TV) and Ross and Rachel had their daughter Emma. In order to get her to laugh they had to sing a silly rap song (baby got back) by Sir Mixalot to get her to laugh. I had to change the channel. Cause all I could do was think about all the stupid things I would do to get you to laugh. I actually started to hear your laugh in my head. It was one of those laughs that makes other people laugh. I can't wait to make you laugh.
Love you
DAD
Friday, September 20, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Purpose
First things first. Roy is my Pen name. It's like actors or actresses who have a stage name. It's a way to feel free to share what I want to share without the judgment from others. It also protects me and my wife from others who don't understand what we are going through. If you know me personally and closely you know about the struggle. If you don't...this is a way to understand what a friend might be going through. I am rambling...sorry. I will do my best to tell the story as best I can...It will be difficult to tell Chronologically...the last four years run together like ten different colored cans of paint being mixed into a bucket. After they mix it's all black muck.
Like with anything in life there must be a purpose....right? For example...the purpose of this blog is to;
-Allow other men who are dealing with infertility to relate and confirm some things they may be feeling.
-Allow other women who are dealing with infertility to see what their significant other might be going through
-Allow people who are not dealing with this issue inside to see what exactly the struggle is
-For me to release some of the feelings that I have going through this process.
I'm sure I could think of more. However I think that those four are good. I am a firm believer that there is a purpose for everything. It is quite hard though, to understand the purpose for not being allowed to have a child. I truly believe that God has a plan and purpose for this journey that I am on...I don't always agree with it or see it that way...but I have to believe that. That's another reason for these postings...maybe I am being used to help and heal the emotional scars that couples face when going through infertility. What would life be like without purpose? Just floating around day to day and not knowing why. As an educator and coach I believe that the purpose of my life right now is to influence young adults in a positive way...so that they become quality people and players of character. Without that purpose I would just be collecting a paycheck. I don't ever want to be that person.
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is a Daily War that is fought in my mind about the purpose of what we are going through. As hard as it is...I believe that the purpose of it is something way greater that myself and what I can see.
Dear Son/Daughter(or both?),
One of the things that you will struggle with as well is what your purpose is in life. There is no way I can teach you that we just live and die with nothing to show for it in the middle. Live to make a difference, live to affect people around you, live to be the best you can at what ever you do. It isn't easy, life isn't easy, but there has to be that driving force that keeps you going.
You will not always know what the purpose is. But trust that it's there. I don't believe for one second that meeting your mother was coincidence. There was a purpose behind every decision that we made, every struggle we went through, till we met. Someone asked me for advice once and said "how did you know she was the one for you?" My reply was "I pictured my life and my future and all the things I wanted to do, And in every situation I couldn't picture going through it without her."
Love you so much
DAD
Like with anything in life there must be a purpose....right? For example...the purpose of this blog is to;
-Allow other men who are dealing with infertility to relate and confirm some things they may be feeling.
-Allow other women who are dealing with infertility to see what their significant other might be going through
-Allow people who are not dealing with this issue inside to see what exactly the struggle is
-For me to release some of the feelings that I have going through this process.
I'm sure I could think of more. However I think that those four are good. I am a firm believer that there is a purpose for everything. It is quite hard though, to understand the purpose for not being allowed to have a child. I truly believe that God has a plan and purpose for this journey that I am on...I don't always agree with it or see it that way...but I have to believe that. That's another reason for these postings...maybe I am being used to help and heal the emotional scars that couples face when going through infertility. What would life be like without purpose? Just floating around day to day and not knowing why. As an educator and coach I believe that the purpose of my life right now is to influence young adults in a positive way...so that they become quality people and players of character. Without that purpose I would just be collecting a paycheck. I don't ever want to be that person.
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is a Daily War that is fought in my mind about the purpose of what we are going through. As hard as it is...I believe that the purpose of it is something way greater that myself and what I can see.
Dear Son/Daughter(or both?),
One of the things that you will struggle with as well is what your purpose is in life. There is no way I can teach you that we just live and die with nothing to show for it in the middle. Live to make a difference, live to affect people around you, live to be the best you can at what ever you do. It isn't easy, life isn't easy, but there has to be that driving force that keeps you going.
You will not always know what the purpose is. But trust that it's there. I don't believe for one second that meeting your mother was coincidence. There was a purpose behind every decision that we made, every struggle we went through, till we met. Someone asked me for advice once and said "how did you know she was the one for you?" My reply was "I pictured my life and my future and all the things I wanted to do, And in every situation I couldn't picture going through it without her."
Love you so much
DAD
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
The begining
Where or where to start?! Well I will start by introducing myself. My
name is "Roy" and I am suffering from a broken heart.(I am also not an English Major). Not the type of
brokenness you are probably thinking. My life has been filled with
great things; wife, family, job, friends. No my broken heart does not
stem from a break up. My broken heart is not caused by losing a loved
one(even though I miss many of the people that have gone to meet
Jesus). My broken heart is a result of wanting something so bad....and
not being able to have it(yet).
You see about 9.5 years ago I met the love of my life. We dated for a while and we got engaged. Man was I stoked! Here I get to be with the beautiful woman for the rest of my life, share good things with her, share bad things with her, go through different experiences together, buy a house raise a family and live happily ever after.
You will find out, if you haven't already, that life does not always go to plan. I think that people naturally make plans, they vision how their life is going to be, what they are going to do, where they are going to live, how they are going to go about life. We almost make little check lists in life as we go. So....
We got engaged(CHECK)
We got married(CHECK)
We moved in together for the first time(CHECK)
We moved in with a friend to save money for a house(CHECK)(FYI...he is a great guy)
We both got jobs(CHECK)
We saved money and bought a house(CHECK)
We got two dogs(CHECK)
We had our first child( )
And this is where the brokenness begins.
For the first few entries here I will lay the foundation that this entire blog is going to be about.
Dear future child,
This is your father. I am continuing to pray that one day we are lucky enough to hold you. It has been a long road. I'm not sure when that day will come but I am holding as hard as I can to faith that one day we will be blessed to have you. Holding on so hard my hands are weak, blistered, bleeding, and roughed(like a carpenter after years of work). But this pain only makes my hands stronger, only allows me to hold on tighter, and keeps me going every day. I miss you without even knowing you. I love you without you even existing yet in my life.
Love
DAD
You see about 9.5 years ago I met the love of my life. We dated for a while and we got engaged. Man was I stoked! Here I get to be with the beautiful woman for the rest of my life, share good things with her, share bad things with her, go through different experiences together, buy a house raise a family and live happily ever after.
You will find out, if you haven't already, that life does not always go to plan. I think that people naturally make plans, they vision how their life is going to be, what they are going to do, where they are going to live, how they are going to go about life. We almost make little check lists in life as we go. So....
We got engaged(CHECK)
We got married(CHECK)
We moved in together for the first time(CHECK)
We moved in with a friend to save money for a house(CHECK)(FYI...he is a great guy)
We both got jobs(CHECK)
We saved money and bought a house(CHECK)
We got two dogs(CHECK)
We had our first child( )
And this is where the brokenness begins.
For the first few entries here I will lay the foundation that this entire blog is going to be about.
Dear future child,
This is your father. I am continuing to pray that one day we are lucky enough to hold you. It has been a long road. I'm not sure when that day will come but I am holding as hard as I can to faith that one day we will be blessed to have you. Holding on so hard my hands are weak, blistered, bleeding, and roughed(like a carpenter after years of work). But this pain only makes my hands stronger, only allows me to hold on tighter, and keeps me going every day. I miss you without even knowing you. I love you without you even existing yet in my life.
Love
DAD
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