More of the same

So as the years have passed I get a little more sinister and upset when it comes to this topic of infertility.  I have just seen so many good people go through so much pain.  I  often times find myself struggling with understanding God's plan and purpose.  I am fully aware and accepting of the fact that we live in a broken world with imperfect and broken bodies.  I believe that one day we will go to heaven and find ourselves in a different state.  It's hard to see the big picture when you focused on what is happening now, with blinders on to anything else.  I also get upset when we find out that it cost thousands and thousands of dollars to adopt and give someone a loving home.  Our world just doesn't make sense. 
Even though everyday is more of the same.  Do you have kids?  When are you having kids? and then people who do have kids...oh I love having kids or they complain about staying up all night.  We live in a society now where infertility is pretty common.  Not only is infertility common but the pain, hurt, and baggage that comes along with it are also common.  It's NOT OK anymore to ask people "when are you having kids?"  It would be comparable to asking a quadriplegic "Hey when you gonna run your next mile?" My guess is you didn't second guess so much at the first one but kinda thought..."man that's just wrong" for the second one.  Guess what....IT IS WRONG.  They are both wrong. 
And people who want to share their happiness of pregnancy with the world.  You are gonna distance yourself from people like me.  It's your choice and I am not saying that you can't. I will still love you and be your friend. But everything we do in life has consequences positive or negative.  Open your eyes to more than yourself and sacrifice a little if you want to truly help those going through this battle. 

To my Friends(and you know who you are)  I love you guys and hardly a day goes by when I don't think about you and send a quick prayer up to the BIG GUY.  

Dear Child,
I DREAM of the day that I can say..."I'm having a baby!!"  I pray the day comes when people ask me "you having kids?" and I can say "yeah, in two months."  But regardless of what happens in my future baby or not I will NEVER forget about the people who still suffer.  Child, make sure you don't forget about people who are struggling after you experience success.  Stay humble, stay loving, and stay understanding.  You are actually such a small part of your own life.  There are so many people that are affected by things that you do...some you may never know.

Always Trying


DAD

AND LIFE MUST GO ON

So a lot has happened in the last week and a half two weeks.  The Bears are not playing good football and they are hurt, the Bulls started their season, Halloween has come and gone, and the medications arrived for a new IVF cycle.  Yippee!(said with the most amount of sarcasm possible) I am not sure what to think as we move forward.  I am an optimist...I always look on the bright side of things.  But it is hard to do with this.  For so long we have had nothing happen to us except get punch in the face with each cycle we have gone through.

I thought about asking my friends if I could take their kid trick or treating.  When people would answer the door I would hold my bucket out.  "What are you for Halloween?" they would ask.  My response would be simple..."I'm dressed up like a Dad today since I can't have my own kids"  I could only imagine the looks on peoples faces. 

I had some kids say to me "Do you have any kids?"  And for the ten millionth time I would respond "No not yet."  Then they said to me...."Well you're gonna be an awesome dad."  ............Remove dagger from heart please.........

But whether we are ready or not...life will move on.  It will move on with us or without us.  So I have chosen to move on with it.  It's feels like its moving up and icy hill for me right now...but I will continue to battle my way.  Now with the hormones being injected in the blood stream of my wife it should me an interesting trek up this hill. 


To you...you know who you are,

As you go through out your life there might be times you want to give up.  I would be lying if I said at times I thought about giving up.  Not ending my life...just giving up on the goals that I have set.  Its going to come down to your mind and your choices.  I have chosen to NOT give up...NOT every give up.  It is only then that I will fail.  I will take each failure in my life as a learning opportunity...sometimes I have no idea what I am to be learning but I search.  You my child are my goal...and I will never...EVER give up on you.  I will fight for you. I will sacrifice for you.  I will do whatever it takes for you.  And that's how I will go on with life.

LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID LOVES CAKE,


DAD

To My Wife #1

Life is a roller coaster as it is.  But when you are going through the trials and troubles of dealing with infertility it makes it even more crazy.  Different issues that may normally not effect us or other couples can come up and create issues without warning.  Just depends on the day.  But regardless and despite everything we have gone through I love her so much.  I heard a song the other day by Mayday Parade and it spoke directly to my heart and soul.  It is a song that I direct to my wife...hold on to me...we will make it through together. 

"Hold Onto Me"

I know I've got my problems and it starts with me
She saw something inside that I can't see
And late at night, yeah she'll comfort me
Hold onto me, Hold onto me

I got a nervous habit and I drink too much
She said she hates her life and wants to change her ways
She wakes in the night and whispers
Oh so quiet

Hold onto me, Hold onto me
Don't you ever leave, Don't you ever leave
I know I've got my problems and its probably me
So hold onto me, Hold onto me

Stayed up to late and it hurts to breathe
Said it's 4 A.M., girl go back to sleep
Sometimes at night I can hear her dreams

Come rescue me, Come rescue
Don't you ever leave, Don't you ever leave
I know we got our problems and its probably me
So hold onto me, Hold onto me

I'm a drifters body in an open sea
And I've seen my reflection staring right back at me
With no place to go and you're left all alone
There's no place like home

Hold onto me, Hold onto me
Just stay with me, Just stay with me
I know we got our problems and you'll probably leave
So hold onto me, Hold onto me

I could never leave, I will never leave
So hold onto me, Hold on to me

 

Dear child,

You need to know that your mother is so special to me.  And although our relationship isn't always sunshine and roses...it is excellent.  As you go through life do not strive for perfection...unless you don't sink to the bottom of the bathtub when you step in...perfection cannot be attained.  Excellence however can.  And regardless of circumstances that come up...I may be beat up, weak, and tired...but you and your mother can always HOLD ON TO ME and I WILL be there to love and give my best to you and her.

 

Hold on to me

 

Your dad

Another Blow

I know it's been a while.  The start of blogging really got me and now I have settled in.  I will probably try to update this once a week.  Thanks to all of you who have followed closely and the kind word that you have shared.

So I am wondering when the run of luck will end.  If you can call it luck.  What's the opposite of luck? Unluck, deluck, non-luck, however you want to say it...that's what we are dealing with right now.  My wife and I had a great donor lined up.  We were ready to pull the trigger and go with this particular person.  But we both know better than to get our hopes up...and we were right.  The tests came back with poor FSH levels or some type of three letter thing.  The doctor recommends that we do not move forward with her.

I really makes me wonder sometime just how many more things can go against us. Every time I think that we have to be able to catch a break here or there it doesn't happen.  It would be like a baseball player striking out every time they are at the plate.  Can it happen alot? sure...but eventually they get on base or something goes right.

Then I have to hear  the pregnant people who are complaining about being pregnant and how they can't wait to have this baby to just be done being pregnant.  When I would gladly take the pain they are going through over the pain that we feel every day.  8 months compared to 4 years...I pick 8 months.


Dear Child,

It's not an easy road.  But I guess we need to continue to look for ways to learn and grow from each experience.  Edison said that he didn't fail just found a thousand ways that didn't work.  Well it feels that we are close to that 1,000 mark but we must continue to push through.  As much pain as we are going through...you are worth it.  You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved. You will be loved.

DAD

Breakdown

So I was watching the tryouts for America's Got Talent.  I think its a great show and I am so glad a singer didn't win this season.  However, one night I was watching the tryouts and I was watching all these different kid type acts come and perform on stage.  I was by myself with nothing but the glow of the TV to light the room.  Some of these kids were pretty darn good.  I can't recall the exact act but I saw how happy these kids were after they had just performed.  With wide eyes they glance over to the left of the stage toward the curtains and there standing proudly with tears of joy were their parents.
I lost it.  In my chair by myself I could not stop crying.  I think the years of suppressing my feelings and holding my emotions erupted...like a dam that cannot hold anymore water.  The tears that were falling were not tears of joy.  They felt like razor blades rolling down my cheeks.  I tried stopping but I simply just couldn't stop.  The show ended and the TV was turned off and there I was just crying.  I collected myself went into the other room...kissed my wife goodnight and went to bed. I'll just sleep it off.
I went to bed and tears continued to flow.  My wife came up and still suspected nothing.  I can't cry in front of her...I'm supposed to be strong for her.  I am not supposed to show weakness...I am her rock to lean on and rocks don't cry.  Well, this rock did cry.  And that night my wife put her arms around me and if felt as if I was being held by an angel.  "It's ok to cry" she said. 

"Tears"
The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears of weakness
Each tear that falls strengthens
Each tear that falls releases

The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears of anonymity
Each tear has a name
Each tear has a story

The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears that judge
Each tear accepts
Each tear forgives

The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears of strangers
Each tear is mine
Each tear I own

Dear Angel,
I want you to know that no matter what I will be here for you.  My shoulder is a great tear catcher and my arms will hold you as long as you need to.  It is ok to cry. It is ok to mourn.  It is ok to show your emotions.  Do not feel you need to keep things inside.  Life will throw you things that you will have difficulty handling.  Just know that we will be there for you.  With every heart beat my body bleeds to have you here.  You will always be loved.

Always and Forever

DAD

Worst Day Part 1

During this whole process my emotions have up, down, left, right, inside out, and outside in. Anger, love, despair, happy, sad, pissed, numb, very pissed, blah,  #$%^ing pissed, joy, and the list goes on. However, the first worst day we had came shortly after our first IVF.  Never really even thought of these types of processes before this.  It had been a rough journey to this point.  2-3 failed IUI's, cyst removal, endometriosis surgery, and the emotional rollercoasters that keep doing the loops over and over again (BTW I dislike roller coasters greatly).

The first couple of times I needed to...well...you know...give my half of the equation was so awkward.  Wasn't really sure what to do...I mean, I knew what to do...but when they put you into that special room with the cup you can't help but think of all the other people that have been here before(gross).  And every room has a chair...yeah right...like I'm gonna sit in that.  And when you walk out...you know that everyone there knows what just happened in that room.  Awwwkkkwwwaaarrrdddd. But I have been through this whole thing way too many times.  Some of those rooms don't have the secret door to put the sample in...doesn't bother me anymore to walk out with my container full of me and hand it to the nurse and walk out the door. JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE.

The first IVF that we did was big time.  We had been through what we thought at the time so much and thought this has to work.  Even though we knew there was a pretty good chance it wouldn't.  But we were so convinced. At the time my wife and I were on different insurances so my insurance obviously wouldn't cover it and her insurance sucked.  So with help from people that are very important to us...we were able to pay for the procedure ourselves.  We felt...man this has got to be it. All the crap that we been through, no insurance coverage, and paying for this...it's gotta work.  My wife responded as best she could with the medication (out of our control) and was able to get three eggs. Wow you might say that's pretty good....lots of her friends that have done these have gotten 8-12 or even more eggs.  Only one of the eggs survived the process.  That was our one hope.  We thought...God is going to perform a miracle here.  This is going to be it!!  They transferred the embryo and took a picture of it on the ultra sound (I still have the picture).  There it was...our baby.  Wow. I am going to be a dad, it was hard for me to hold back my emotions...but I did...don't know why...but I did.  

The phone gave its chilling ring that early evening, chilling only because we knew it was going to be the best day of our lives together...or the worst day. My wife went in for the blood test to see if the pregnancy worked earlier in the day.  I talked to the nurse - could be the best day.  It was the worst day.  Tears began to fall like hail from a stormy sky.  These tears were heavy...full of pain, sorrow, anger, disappointment, and resentment.  How could this happen!!?? We were so sure that it was going to work. These were tears that I would not want anyone to ever cry.  And although this was the worst day...we still had a long ways to go. 

Dear Child,

I want you to know how much you are loved.  We already have a room for you, it's been waiting for you for 4 years. I look at cartoons and Disney movies in DVD stores and can't wait to buy them.  Cause when I come home I get to watch them with you and your mother can't get mad at me.  Your grandparents are waiting and ready to smother you with love.  I have already thought about what life will be like with you...and let me tell you...when that day comes...it will be the best day of our lives.  It will make the worst days that we have had disappear into the depth of our brains so that we don't ever have to relive them again.  It will make life complete.

Love you forever,

DAD

Journey

I recently heard someone state that life is a journey, not to a destination, but a transformation.  This quote really stuck with me this week.  I think that we are always on the go in world...always moving to the next thing.  My life's journey has not ended up(destination) exactly where I thought it would go.  I feel like I'm almost there but there is one BIG thing missing in my life.  Whether or not this whole baby thing happens is one thing.  But the struggle is trying to figure out where to go from here. 
The answer that I have come up with is nowhere.  The best place to be is in the present moment.  Enjoy this time with my wife, my job, family, and friends.  I need to stop living in the future and focusing on what I want and don't have.  I need to live in the now and what I do have.  Some days this is easy, some days this seems impossible.
But just like at the beginning of this entry I need to let life transform me into someone better than I was yesterday.  I don't always like who I am each day.  Some days bitter, some days angry, some days envious, and .....well I think you get the point.  It is on those days I am focusing on the destination....Fatherhood. 

Dear Bryce/Cami,
Now as of right now these are the names that we would have for you pending your gender.  Not sure if these will change(they probably will).  Honestly, today hasn't been a great day of living in the present. A lot of times today I thought man...if things had gone to plan we would be planning your 4th birthday party with in the next year.  I think about teaching you how to shoot baskets, throw a ball, get excited when you learn something new.  I wish I was tripping over your toys that you leave around the house.  I'm sure that I would get a little upset...but right now that would make me so happy.  The pain that I would feel momentarily would be nothing compared to the pain I have right now without you in my life. 

Miss you

DAD