Breakdown

So I was watching the tryouts for America's Got Talent.  I think its a great show and I am so glad a singer didn't win this season.  However, one night I was watching the tryouts and I was watching all these different kid type acts come and perform on stage.  I was by myself with nothing but the glow of the TV to light the room.  Some of these kids were pretty darn good.  I can't recall the exact act but I saw how happy these kids were after they had just performed.  With wide eyes they glance over to the left of the stage toward the curtains and there standing proudly with tears of joy were their parents.
I lost it.  In my chair by myself I could not stop crying.  I think the years of suppressing my feelings and holding my emotions erupted...like a dam that cannot hold anymore water.  The tears that were falling were not tears of joy.  They felt like razor blades rolling down my cheeks.  I tried stopping but I simply just couldn't stop.  The show ended and the TV was turned off and there I was just crying.  I collected myself went into the other room...kissed my wife goodnight and went to bed. I'll just sleep it off.
I went to bed and tears continued to flow.  My wife came up and still suspected nothing.  I can't cry in front of her...I'm supposed to be strong for her.  I am not supposed to show weakness...I am her rock to lean on and rocks don't cry.  Well, this rock did cry.  And that night my wife put her arms around me and if felt as if I was being held by an angel.  "It's ok to cry" she said. 

"Tears"
The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears of weakness
Each tear that falls strengthens
Each tear that falls releases

The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears of anonymity
Each tear has a name
Each tear has a story

The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears that judge
Each tear accepts
Each tear forgives

The tears that soak this pillow
are not tears of strangers
Each tear is mine
Each tear I own

Dear Angel,
I want you to know that no matter what I will be here for you.  My shoulder is a great tear catcher and my arms will hold you as long as you need to.  It is ok to cry. It is ok to mourn.  It is ok to show your emotions.  Do not feel you need to keep things inside.  Life will throw you things that you will have difficulty handling.  Just know that we will be there for you.  With every heart beat my body bleeds to have you here.  You will always be loved.

Always and Forever

DAD

Worst Day Part 1

During this whole process my emotions have up, down, left, right, inside out, and outside in. Anger, love, despair, happy, sad, pissed, numb, very pissed, blah,  #$%^ing pissed, joy, and the list goes on. However, the first worst day we had came shortly after our first IVF.  Never really even thought of these types of processes before this.  It had been a rough journey to this point.  2-3 failed IUI's, cyst removal, endometriosis surgery, and the emotional rollercoasters that keep doing the loops over and over again (BTW I dislike roller coasters greatly).

The first couple of times I needed to...well...you know...give my half of the equation was so awkward.  Wasn't really sure what to do...I mean, I knew what to do...but when they put you into that special room with the cup you can't help but think of all the other people that have been here before(gross).  And every room has a chair...yeah right...like I'm gonna sit in that.  And when you walk out...you know that everyone there knows what just happened in that room.  Awwwkkkwwwaaarrrdddd. But I have been through this whole thing way too many times.  Some of those rooms don't have the secret door to put the sample in...doesn't bother me anymore to walk out with my container full of me and hand it to the nurse and walk out the door. JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE.

The first IVF that we did was big time.  We had been through what we thought at the time so much and thought this has to work.  Even though we knew there was a pretty good chance it wouldn't.  But we were so convinced. At the time my wife and I were on different insurances so my insurance obviously wouldn't cover it and her insurance sucked.  So with help from people that are very important to us...we were able to pay for the procedure ourselves.  We felt...man this has got to be it. All the crap that we been through, no insurance coverage, and paying for this...it's gotta work.  My wife responded as best she could with the medication (out of our control) and was able to get three eggs. Wow you might say that's pretty good....lots of her friends that have done these have gotten 8-12 or even more eggs.  Only one of the eggs survived the process.  That was our one hope.  We thought...God is going to perform a miracle here.  This is going to be it!!  They transferred the embryo and took a picture of it on the ultra sound (I still have the picture).  There it was...our baby.  Wow. I am going to be a dad, it was hard for me to hold back my emotions...but I did...don't know why...but I did.  

The phone gave its chilling ring that early evening, chilling only because we knew it was going to be the best day of our lives together...or the worst day. My wife went in for the blood test to see if the pregnancy worked earlier in the day.  I talked to the nurse - could be the best day.  It was the worst day.  Tears began to fall like hail from a stormy sky.  These tears were heavy...full of pain, sorrow, anger, disappointment, and resentment.  How could this happen!!?? We were so sure that it was going to work. These were tears that I would not want anyone to ever cry.  And although this was the worst day...we still had a long ways to go. 

Dear Child,

I want you to know how much you are loved.  We already have a room for you, it's been waiting for you for 4 years. I look at cartoons and Disney movies in DVD stores and can't wait to buy them.  Cause when I come home I get to watch them with you and your mother can't get mad at me.  Your grandparents are waiting and ready to smother you with love.  I have already thought about what life will be like with you...and let me tell you...when that day comes...it will be the best day of our lives.  It will make the worst days that we have had disappear into the depth of our brains so that we don't ever have to relive them again.  It will make life complete.

Love you forever,

DAD

Journey

I recently heard someone state that life is a journey, not to a destination, but a transformation.  This quote really stuck with me this week.  I think that we are always on the go in world...always moving to the next thing.  My life's journey has not ended up(destination) exactly where I thought it would go.  I feel like I'm almost there but there is one BIG thing missing in my life.  Whether or not this whole baby thing happens is one thing.  But the struggle is trying to figure out where to go from here. 
The answer that I have come up with is nowhere.  The best place to be is in the present moment.  Enjoy this time with my wife, my job, family, and friends.  I need to stop living in the future and focusing on what I want and don't have.  I need to live in the now and what I do have.  Some days this is easy, some days this seems impossible.
But just like at the beginning of this entry I need to let life transform me into someone better than I was yesterday.  I don't always like who I am each day.  Some days bitter, some days angry, some days envious, and .....well I think you get the point.  It is on those days I am focusing on the destination....Fatherhood. 

Dear Bryce/Cami,
Now as of right now these are the names that we would have for you pending your gender.  Not sure if these will change(they probably will).  Honestly, today hasn't been a great day of living in the present. A lot of times today I thought man...if things had gone to plan we would be planning your 4th birthday party with in the next year.  I think about teaching you how to shoot baskets, throw a ball, get excited when you learn something new.  I wish I was tripping over your toys that you leave around the house.  I'm sure that I would get a little upset...but right now that would make me so happy.  The pain that I would feel momentarily would be nothing compared to the pain I have right now without you in my life. 

Miss you

DAD

The Excitement

Laughter fills the bedroom as my wife and I laid in bed.  Just the thought of and talk of starting a family put smiles on our face.  We wanted to make sure that we were ready to take on the responsibilities of becoming parents.  We decided that we were ready.  So we started on this journey of creating our family.  For the first couple months it wasn't bad.  After month two we were excited cause her period hadn't come and we thought this was it.  But her "friend" came a couple days later.  Month after that she was really late..."oh boy, this is it." The pound of my heart as we bought the pregnancy test....FAIL.  Man is it that hard to do this?  Seems like people are getting knocked up all the time!?
A few months into this we find out that my wife had a large cyst on her ovary. The Doctor suggest surgery to help remove the cyst.  That's what we did.  Obviously that didn't automatically turn us into parents(or I probably wouldn't be writing this right now).  I'll tell you what though...my wife is the strongest woman I have ever met(more to come on that another day).  My wife's biggest fear of the surgery was?????????????? Yep you probably didn't guess it...it had nothing to do with life or death, nothing to do with it not working, nothing to do with going under, it had to do with defecating during surgery.  Even now I laugh about it.  She came out of surgery(successful in removing the cyst) and was so drugged up I couldn't help but mess with her.  "Babe, you pooped all over the table." She replied like an actress from Half Baked "what are you serious?"  "Yeah I told her"..."Well, all I remember is talking about my home town and then I don't remember."  "Just kidding" I said.........1 minute later. "Babe, you pooped all over the table." She replied like an actress from Half Baked "what are you serious?"  "Yeah I told her"..."Well, all I remember is talking about my home town and then I don't remember."  "Just kidding" I said.........1 minute later . I could copy and paste this one or two more times. 
It didn't seem like excitement anymore when we were able to try again after surgery.  It seemed like stressful work.  And anytime "that time of the month" didn't show up...there was no happy nervousness...only preparation for disappointment. 

Dear Sweet Child of Mine,
I was watching an episode of "Friends" today(which is one if not the greatest show ever on TV) and Ross and Rachel had their daughter Emma.  In order to get her to laugh they had to sing a silly rap song (baby got back) by Sir Mixalot to get her to laugh.  I had to change the channel.  Cause all I could do was think about all the stupid things I would do to get you to laugh.  I actually started to hear your laugh in my head.  It was one of those laughs that makes other people laugh.  I can't wait to make you laugh.

Love you

DAD

Purpose

First things first.  Roy is my Pen name.  It's like actors or actresses who have a stage name.  It's a way to feel free to share what I want to share without the judgment from others.  It also protects me and my wife from others who don't understand what we are going through.  If you know me personally and closely you know about the struggle.  If you don't...this is a way to understand what a friend might be going through.  I am rambling...sorry.  I will do my best to tell the story as best I can...It will be difficult to tell Chronologically...the last four years run together like ten different colored cans of paint being mixed into a bucket.  After they mix it's all black muck. 

Like with anything in life there must be a purpose....right?  For example...the purpose of this blog is to; 
-Allow other men who are dealing with infertility to relate and confirm some things they may be feeling.
-Allow other women who are dealing with infertility to see what their significant other might be going through
-Allow people who are not dealing with this issue inside to see what exactly the struggle is
-For me to release some of the feelings that I have going through this process. 

I'm sure I could think of more.  However I think that those four are good.  I am a firm believer that there is a purpose for everything.  It is quite hard though, to understand the purpose for not being allowed to have a child.  I truly believe that God has a plan and purpose for this journey that I am on...I don't always agree with it or see it that way...but I have to believe that.  That's another reason for these postings...maybe I am being used to help and heal the emotional scars that couples face when going through infertility.  What would life be like without purpose?  Just floating around day to day and not knowing why.  As an educator and coach I believe that the purpose of my life right now is to influence young adults in a positive way...so that they become quality people and players of character.  Without that purpose I would just be collecting a paycheck.  I don't ever want to be that person.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
  Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is a Daily War that is fought in my mind about the purpose of what we are going through.  As hard as it is...I believe that the purpose of it is something way greater that myself and what I can see.

Dear Son/Daughter(or both?),
One of the things that you will struggle with as well is what your purpose is in life.  There is no way I can teach you that we just live and die with nothing to show for it in the middle.  Live to make a difference, live to affect people around you, live to be the best you can at what ever you do.  It isn't easy, life isn't easy, but there has to be that driving force that keeps you going.
You will not always know what the purpose is.  But trust that it's there.  I don't believe for one second that meeting your mother was coincidence.  There was a purpose behind every decision that we made, every struggle we went through, till we met.  Someone asked me for advice once and said "how did you know she was the one for you?"  My reply was "I pictured my life and my future and all the things I wanted to do, And in every situation I couldn't picture going through it without her."

Love you so much

DAD

The begining

Where or where to start?! Well I will start by introducing myself.  My name is "Roy" and I am suffering from a broken heart.(I am also not an English Major).  Not the type of brokenness you are probably thinking.  My life has been filled with great things; wife, family, job, friends.  No my broken heart does not stem from a break up.  My broken heart is not caused by losing a loved one(even though I miss many of the people that have gone to meet Jesus).  My broken heart is a result of wanting something so bad....and not being able to have it(yet).
 You see about 9.5 years ago I met the love of my life.  We dated for a while and we got engaged.  Man was I stoked!  Here I get to be with the beautiful woman for the rest of my life, share good things with her, share bad things with her, go through different experiences together, buy a house raise a family and live happily ever after.
You will find out, if you haven't already, that life does not always go to plan.  I think that people naturally make plans, they vision how their life is going to be, what they are going to do, where they are going to live, how they are going to go about life.  We almost make little check lists in life as we go.  So....
We got engaged(CHECK)
We got married(CHECK)
We moved in together for the first time(CHECK)
We moved in with a friend to save money for a house(CHECK)(FYI...he is a great guy)
We both got jobs(CHECK)
We saved money and bought a house(CHECK)
We got two dogs(CHECK)
We had our first child(             )

And this is where the brokenness begins.

For the first few entries here I will lay the foundation that this entire blog is going to be about.

Dear future child,

This is your father.  I am continuing to pray that one day we are lucky enough to hold you.  It has been a long road.  I'm not sure when that day will come but I am holding as hard as I can to faith that one day we will be blessed to have you.  Holding on so hard my hands are weak, blistered, bleeding, and roughed(like a carpenter after years of work).  But this pain only makes my hands stronger, only allows me to hold on tighter, and keeps me going every day.  I miss you without even knowing you.  I love you without you even existing yet in my life. 

Love

DAD