During this whole process my emotions have up, down, left, right, inside out, and outside in. Anger, love, despair, happy, sad, pissed, numb, very pissed, blah, #$%^ing pissed, joy, and the list goes on. However, the first worst day we had came shortly after our first IVF. Never really even thought of these types of processes before this. It had been a rough journey to this point. 2-3 failed IUI's, cyst removal, endometriosis surgery, and the emotional rollercoasters that keep doing the loops over and over again (BTW I dislike roller coasters greatly).
The first couple of times I needed to...well...you know...give my half of the equation was so awkward. Wasn't really sure what to do...I mean, I knew what to do...but when they put you into that special room with the cup you can't help but think of all the other people that have been here before(gross). And every room has a chair...yeah right...like I'm gonna sit in that. And when you walk out...you know that everyone there knows what just happened in that room. Awwwkkkwwwaaarrrdddd. But I have been through this whole thing way too many times. Some of those rooms don't have the secret door to put the sample in...doesn't bother me anymore to walk out with my container full of me and hand it to the nurse and walk out the door. JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE.
The first IVF that we did was big time. We had been through what we thought at the time so much and thought this has to work. Even though we knew there was a pretty good chance it wouldn't. But we were so convinced. At the time my wife and I were on different insurances so my insurance obviously wouldn't cover it and her insurance sucked. So with help from people that are very important to us...we were able to pay for the procedure ourselves. We felt...man this has got to be it. All the crap that we been through, no insurance coverage, and paying for this...it's gotta work. My wife responded as best she could with the medication (out of our control) and was able to get three eggs. Wow you might say that's pretty good....lots of her friends that have done these have gotten 8-12 or even more eggs. Only one of the eggs survived the process. That was our one hope. We thought...God is going to perform a miracle here. This is going to be it!! They transferred the embryo and took a picture of it on the ultra sound (I still have the picture). There it was...our baby. Wow. I am going to be a dad, it was hard for me to hold back my emotions...but I did...don't know why...but I did.
The phone gave its chilling ring that early evening, chilling only because we knew it was going to be the best day of our lives together...or the worst day. My wife went in for the blood test to see if the pregnancy worked earlier in the day. I talked to the nurse - could be the best day. It was the worst day. Tears began to fall like hail from a stormy sky. These tears were heavy...full of pain, sorrow, anger, disappointment, and resentment. How could this happen!!?? We were so sure that it was going to work. These were tears that I would not want anyone to ever cry. And although this was the worst day...we still had a long ways to go.
Dear Child,
I want you to know how much you are loved. We already have a room for you, it's been waiting for you for 4 years. I look at cartoons and Disney movies in DVD stores and can't wait to buy them. Cause when I come home I get to watch them with you and your mother can't get mad at me. Your grandparents are waiting and ready to smother you with love. I have already thought about what life will be like with you...and let me tell you...when that day comes...it will be the best day of our lives. It will make the worst days that we have had disappear into the depth of our brains so that we don't ever have to relive them again. It will make life complete.
Love you forever,
DAD
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